Don’t be too adorable, it gets your cheek pinched
Don’t be so sensitive, you cry baby
Don’t be too smart, kids will throw rocks at you
Don’t have a flashy bike, someone will take it at knife point
Don’t fight for your stuff, you’ll only get hurt
Don’t pin a towel around your neck as a cape, who do you think you are? Superman?
Don’t be too Bronx, people will make fun of how you speak
Don’t use big words, people will think you’re trying to impress and don’t know what you’re talking about
Don’t be teacher’s pet, you suck up!
Don’t hum while you’re working, if you do, be on key
Don’t be fat, kids in Europe are starving
Don’t be too Jewish, millions were exterminated
You don’t even know how to be Jewish, not like cousin Marty, he goes to yeshiva
Don’t be an ugly American, you klutz
Don’t be too powerful, leaders get stabbed in the back
Don’t be so accommodating, they’re taking advantage of you
Don’t be too gay, Jim is awfully effeminate
Don’t be too flirty, your lingering look will get you punched in the face
Let that be a lesson to you.
-- Larry Wolf, 2 July 2025
